18 November 2008

it's that time of year...

The holidays are almost upon us and they wouldn't be complete without a trip to IKEA! Rob and I are heading up THIS Saturday so if you need anything and would like us to pick it up for you, just email me. And hopefully the next time we need to make an IKEA trip we'll have one a lot closer...

11 November 2008

Relief and Release

First, thank you for all the kind words and comfort. Your love has meant a lot.

And second, I'm sure everyone is wondering how we're (specifically me) doing. Well, we're doing pretty good, and I feel great. Both physically and spiritually.

The day after it all happened Rob and I went on a date and entrusted Max to my sister. Afterwards, we went to her boyfriend's sisters' where they all were to pick him up. Leah (my sister's boyfriend's sister) had just had a baby 8 days before so I got to hold precious Allie and I was amazed that there was no pain. Despite my feelings on losing the baby, and knowing I was ok, I was still a little worried how I would be around newborns. But I didn't need to worry. Yes, I was looking forward to having my own, but there is no pain or anger or hurt associated with babies or the ones who had them (or are having them). A little sadness, but no pain. And I realized that night that the healing process was complete. Someday I will have my own newborn again, but for now I am content to hold others'.

So, physically I am amazing. I haven't felt this good in a long time. It's kind of funny- having a miscarriage, especially 12 weeks into the pregnancy, makes you realize just how much a pregnancy (and recovery from giving birth/having a newborn) takes out of you. Once you actually have the baby, it's a gradual recovery, while with this it was almost instantaneous. Once the cramps stopped, I was great. I have energy again, and MOTIVATION again (something I have been struggling to muster for awhile now). And I am enjoying it. I really don't think I've felt this great since high school. Iarc (short for Interior Architecture) is insanely demanding, so I've felt like I was dragging for the past five years and I would just tell myself to wait for graduation, everything will be good then. Then I graduated and the month of August was a little crazy and then I got pregnant so I never felt the sense of relief or release I was anticipating. But now, I feel it. And it feels soo good.

06 November 2008

Life is Funny

I am a planner. I like to know all the details in advance, to be prepared for anything. So naturally, when I was 17 or 18 I started planning the rest of my life. Taking in account my life up to that point, I figured I wouldn't get married for awhile. So I planned things so I could take care of myself until that happy day would occur years in the future. I chose a very labor-intensive major that would take longer than your typical 4 years of college, but would probably make me lots of money when I graduated. Well, I was wrong. I went to college, met a boy, and married him 8 days after my 19th birthday. Me being the planner I am, I altered my plan to fit in a husband, but I figured children should wait until I was done with school. Well, then I had Max my 4th year of school. And I altered my plan to fit in a child, but wanted to wait until we were both college graduates and Rob had a career and we had a third bedroom before having another. Well, I graduated, and started having thoughts about another one, even though Rob didn't have a career and we still only have two bedrooms. And I decided, you know what, I need to stop planning. So I did. Now, I am much more relaxed, I have not had any major anxiety since letting go of "my plans." And it's a good thing.

We got pregnant late August/early September and both Rob and I had mixed feelings about it. It's easier said than done to completely let go of a plan, but we gradually accepted, and got excited, about having another baby, two bedrooms and all. But life is ironic.

Once we finally wanted the baby, it wasn't to be. Yesterday we found out that our baby is dead. It was a very sad day; lots of tears were shed. Yet lots of comfort has been found as well.

I feel very strongly that a fetus possesses a spirit. Max started getting very clingy not long after I graduated, and I didn't know why until I found out I was pregnant. His clingy-ness coincided with my conceiving. He knew that there was a baby there before I did. And Rob made the comment "Children are closer to the spirit," which makes perfect sense. Max could sense the spirit entering the baby before any of us could. I also feel very strongly that it was a boy, our Nicola. I read an article not that long ago about miscarriage and the idea that a spirit will come and go and come again when the time is right to be born, something I had never thought about before. And I know that Nicola came, but this body was unfit for him, so he left. But he'll be back when the time is right.

I am incredibly grateful for my membership in the church. I know who I am, and the plan Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for me. Even though I wanted this baby, losing it has made me appreciate more what I do have: my family. Max's hugs have never felt so good, Rob's gentle hand on my back has never brought me such comfort. And I have never felt so strongly the love of an ever-present Heavenly Father.

I also had the thought while waiting around doctor's offices yesterday, that if our Heavenly Father knows everything, and so knew that this body wasn't going to work out, why did I have such strong promptings to have another baby? And I think it was a trail of my, and Rob's, faith. The world today does not encourage couples to have babies unless they have large houses, and large incomes, the best health care, and all those worldly things we think a baby needs. And in a way, that was exactly how Rob and I were thinking. The Family: A Proclamation to the World says "We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force... Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness." A baby does not need all the things of the world, it needs a loving home where a father and mother nurture and teach: things that neither income nor social status determines. Even though Rob and I, in a worldly sense, were not prepared to have another child, in a spiritual sense we were. I am so grateful that we recognized that. And I am grateful that we passed this test.