08 May 2007

Being a mom

Today has been one of those days (and perhaps the first for me) where I ask myself "why did I want to become a mom?" Max and I were sick last week, and while we're much better, some congestion is hanging on with claws dug in. This means my normally wonderful, sweet, happy baby is not like that today (and yesterday, but it wasn't too bad). He has had some placid moments, like when the AC guy came toady, but the rest of the time has been a screaming terror. Nothing I do will make him happy- he won't even accept any food from me other than breastmilk- a first! So, with that said, here are the top ten things I hate worst about sick babies:
10. Having to swat people away from him 'cause he's contagious (he LOVES people and they seem to love him)
9. Trying to get things done with him attached to me every second
8. Him waking up constantly to cough or sneeze
7.
Having to make sure he is propped up when he's sleeping so he can breathe
6. Listening to his pathetic little cough
5.
Not being able to make it all magically better
4. Trying to get medicine down his throat
3. Having to wipe his nose CONSTANTLY
2. The aftermath
1. Baby snot all over my boobs

But, motherhood is not all bad, and I do want to leave this on a good note, so in preparation of mothers day I will reflect on a change that has happened that I wasn't anticipating in quite the way that it has happened: the emotional change. I knew before I had Max that there would be a very strong bond between us, but I never realized just how strong that bond would be. It's also different than I thought it would be. The bond wasn't instantaneous for me- perhaps because it never is, or maybe because of the circumstances of his birth. I loved him, but it wasn't until our first night home, when I was reading to him from the Book of Mormon and I read a passage that I now cannot find, and can't really remember what it said- but I do remember it said something about spirits and spirit children and I got so choked up and cried because here I was holding a little spirit that was mine to raise. There have been many more moments like that, but there have also been not so spiritual moments that are still emotional. I remember reading one of those internet stories that get passed around in emails warning about the dangers of ballrooms or something and it freaked me out to think of losing Max. And it makes me so sad to think of ANY mother losing her child. Every time I think of someone losing their child it's like a knife to the heart because now I have a child of my own and can't imagine losing mine. It's so bad that when I was watching Harry Potter I cried in the scene where his mother is killed by Voldemort because she's protecting Harry. And yet I wouldn't go back to not having a child because even though these emotions are not fun, they bring a whole new depth to life that I never even knew existed before. And this depth isn't just between me and Max- it's there between Rob and I and even our parents and siblings. I think I finally, truly understand what a blessing eternal families are and am so grateful Rob and I were sealed in the temple. Now comes the hard part, making sure that our family is not just a temple family, but a celestial family. And that's why I am glad to be a mom.

4 comments:

  1. I am sorry Max is still so sick. Yucky. Your blog was so cute it got me all choked up here at work! I can't wait till David and I are ready to have a family of our own. Oh and the snot on boobs part was hilarious!

    Natalie

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  2. Jackie--what a great post. Thanks so much for sharing it. I think it's awesome that even in the midst of a "Why did I want to this?" kind of day you can still remember the true joy and fulfillment that come along with motherhood. You're awesome.

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  3. Love, love, love this post. I feel EXACTLY the same way. You can't put it into words (although I think you did a pretty good job), but motherhood changes you in a way you never thought it would. And that depth that you're talking about... I could go on and on. In fact, I just watched Harry Potter 1 last night and cried during the part where Harry's mom dies too! I'm glad I decided to become a mom too - it was a long journey for me. And AMEN to the top 10 sick baby stuff. Shaelyn just had what Max had, and the coughing, wiping the nose, and the snot on the boobs is the worst!

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  4. Max's laugh is SO cute. I never thought that being a mom could be so hard emotionally. Physically it is no piece of cake, but emotionally it is a roller coaster! You just want your kid to be like the other kids, but NOT like the other kids. I hope Addie grows up to live a normal successful life and I wish she could just be little forever. I am glad that we can be together forever family, and that one day Addie will have a perfect little brain to go with her perfect little spirit! Props to you for making a cool video!

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